


I'm not in love

by miyaohcuu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, I won't spoil if sad or happy ending, I'm not in love by 10cc, M/M, Metaphors, Secret love, Song fic, Unrequited Love, all I write is angst istg, but kelsey lu's cover, inspired by HBO euphoria, inspired by a song, jaemin is dumb, meaningful images, nahyuck nation deserves more, please watch this show it's really really good, repetition of a phrase, sabiha if you read this tag send me a photo of your feet, sunmi also covered this song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 08:48:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20189536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miyaohcuu/pseuds/miyaohcuu
Summary: Jaemin wants to believe he has a chance with Donghyuck.





	I'm not in love

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I'm Not In Love](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/506425) by Kelsey Lu. 

> I recommend to read this with Kelsey Lu's I'm Not In Love cover, or if you can't listen to it right now to check on it. also to check the original song by 10cc and Sunmi's cover.
> 
> I also recommend to watch Euphoria by HBO, it's a really really good show that used the song + inspired me for some elements on this story.
> 
> I expected it to be longer but I only managed to make it 2,7K words djskdj

_It’s just a silly phase we’re going through._

This is what Jaemin thought at first. It was not normal to feel this way about a friend, so it was comforting to think this way. A silly phase that will come to an end within days. Maybe weeks, or maybe a month if it’s necessary.

But then the silly phase extent and he realizes it’s not silly, and not a phase. He see the reasons, he understand the attraction he’s feeling. Like two magnets, Jaemin never manage to be the other pole, the one that repel — he can’t resist Donghyuck.

The thing is that Donghyuck doesn’t seem in love.

There have been so many times when they were supposed to be in their own respective room but ended up in Jaemin’s one — because it was easier than to be to Donghyuck’s place because of his way too intrusive family, in opposition to Jaemin’s parents who barely check on him and what’s happening between the four walls of his room. “You stay at mine tonight ?”, “can I stay at yours tonight ?”, and Jaemin feels empty when he sleep alone in his bed, without a body hot against his, without an arm under his head or his own having pins and needles because of the weight of Donghyuck’s head on it, without a chest to press his head against, and without a heartbeat to fall asleep on. Without the early scent of Donghyuck, without the kiss on his forehead that only ever knew his lips. 

Most of the time, it was after dinner that Donghyuck climbed over the patio roof to come in Jaemin’s room through the window, as if he was not allowed to be here. He would come for bedtime, when it was dark outside and leave early in the morning when the sun was barely up, with something packed by Jaemin that he would eat on his way home as breakfast. 

After sliding in one of Jaemin’s pyjama, Donghyuck would use Jaemin’s laptop as if it was his own to play the episode of a show they had fell asleep on last night on some illegal streaming platform that opened a ton of advertisements. They had watched some of the most popular shows — from The Walking Dead that got Donghyuck bored so quickly, to Stranger Things that made him sing 80’s songs too loud for Jaemin’s neighbors. Jaemin wanted to introduce Donghyuck to the Marvel cinematographic universe but men in iron suits and who turned green when angry were apparently not Donghyuck’s thing. 

With Jaemin’s laptop on his desk chair beside the bed connected to the receptacle at the other side of the room, they would cuddle, bodies aligning to take as little place as possible in Jaemin’s single bed, and stay in the same position until they fall asleep. 

Sometimes Jaemin would get a kiss, on the cheeks or the lips, and some really rare times it would be Jaemin who kiss Donghyuck. But it was nothing more than pecks, shy presses of lips on skin.

Everything was so intimate, yet Jaemin didn’t know what it meant. Because he was not in Donghyuck’s mind nor he could read it, and although most of the time it was Donghyuck initiating all of this — from the sleepovers to the kisses — he felt like it didn’t mean anything to him. As if they were just two friends playing a video game with a bowl of chips between them a calm Saturday when homeworks are done. 

Jaemin wouldn’t know how to explain why he felt this way. And it doesn’t make sense, because if it didn’t mean anything to Donghyuck, then why would he keep their nights secret ? Why would he never bring the subject up, why would he never talk about what him and Jaemin were ? Friends, friends with benefits (read: cuddles and kisses), friends who just crave for affection, friends who are not lovers yet but who will end up together anyway ? 

Donghyuck is not in love, but Jaemin wants to believe he is because it would be easier this way.

He has spent some horrible nights — the ones when Donghyuck wouldn’t text him, wouldn’t knock at his window. Donghyuck has spent so much time in Jaemin’s bed that when he isn’t pressed against him, Jaemin can’t think about something else. Jaemin usually throw a leg and an arm over the bolster like he do with Donghyuck’s body, and scroll through social medias to think about something else. But sometimes, between a picture of a dog and of homework aesthetic motivation, there is a picture of Donghyuck on his Instagram feed. A picture taken days ago because he hadn’t anything else to post, or a picture he just took within the hour. At a party Jaemin wasn’t even aware of, or at the theater, with someone that is in Jaemin’s acquaintances circle or not. 

But it always hurt to think that Donghyuck went all alone, without telling Jaemin that he even had plans — even if he went alone at the end, at least Jaemin would know, there would be something like _communication_ between them.

Jaemin knows Donghyuck doesn’t miss him the same way, that he doesn’t miss his body against his, that he doesn’t think “what if we had more ?”. He knows that for Donghyuck, not having Jaemin by his side isn’t that big of a deal, it doesn’t keep him up at night — he knows Donghyuck wouldn’t make a fuss of it.

So why would Jaemin care so much ? If Donghyuck is not in love, Jaemin should learn how to act accordingly and stay on the same wavelength as his friend. 

Donghyuck’s voice echoes in his mind, “Big boys don’t cry”, as he wipes tears with the back of his hand, cleaning his red cheeks and running nose with cold water. 

It’s a Saturday when Donghyuck buzzes Jaemin’s phone with a “my parents leave in 30 mins, i’m already bored just by the idea, wanna come over ? ;)” before he thanks his lucky star for the clear and blue sky that allow him to jump on his bike instead of using his pocket money for the bus.

When he enters Donghyuck’s room, there is something different -- it directly come to his mind, Donghyuck has spend hours reorganizing his room. It’s not so long before he innocently says “Oh, I don’t know if you can notice but I’ve reorganized my room. Do you like it? I prefer it this way. I needed change anyway.”

Jaemin nods and hums, because obviously he has noticed it, as he notices every single thing from Donghyuck and what belongs to him. He runs his fingers on the desk that has been painted in white and must have took time to Donghyuck. 

Jaemin would have been excited to tell and send picture to Donghyuck after doing such a thing, so why didn’t he tell him ? 

Jaemin thinks it’s another proof that what’s between them is not so relevant and important for Donghyuck to tell him about what he did the day if Jaemin don’t ask. It doesn’t come naturally to Donghyuck’s mind. 

The books and the pen holder have switched place, and there is a figurine of this character of Steven Universe that Jaemin have never seen before — probably something he bought recently. Jaemin smiles at the small piece of innocence that it reflects, and his eyes raise along the wall, where there are polaroids pinned. He recognizes Alex Turner, the singer of a rock band Donghyuck likes. There is a sunset, a photo of his cat, him and his youngest sister. Then his eyes land on a certain photo above all the others, like the top of a pyramid.

It’s them. Jaemin’s arm is thrown over Donghyuck’s shoulders, who’s head is resting against his temple.

They look so close, as if there was something between them. Something clear and official, something established.

“There was a nasty stain right here, I don’t know if you remember. Or even ever noticed. I need to paint these walls as well”

Jaemin thinks he may, perhaps, somehow, be in love with Donghyuck. And it hurts to think that it’s not reciprocated.

Jaemin wants to believe — to believe there is something between him and Donghyuck. That’s it’s not just him being too attached to someone who’s having fun and who’s not taking it seriously. Jaemin doesn’t want to be a pastime, he wants to be someone’s interest, someone’s passion, someone’s first thought. He wants to be attached to good memories, to the increase of a heartbeat, to sweaty palms and butterflies in stomach. 

Maybe he is a dreamer, but that’s he wants it and deep inside him, there is this doubt that maybe he can have it with Donghyuck. Maybe they are just two cowards who need to speak things out, maybe Donghyuck also want something but isn’t sure if Jaemin wants the same — there are so many maybe’s in Jaemin’s mind. 

It’s hard to bear, having more interrogations than affirmations.

The stars are shining bright and occupy all the space in his mind, cover up everything around him. The heavy booms of the music escaping from the glass door barely reach him, it’s like a background noise you don’t notice until it stop. 

If he has a lucky star, he's allowed to believe. It's possible, it's not something unreachable.

He has the right to believe.

He feels something against him, turns his head just to see Donghyuck sitting next to him. He has left no space between them, has an empty red cup in his hand.

"Hey. Why are you alone here ? We are at a party" 

"I was just thinking."

"Thinking about what?" 

Their faces are so close. Jaemin wants to kiss these plump lips that probably taste like mint and lime — because Donghyuck always drinks mojitos. 

And this time he thinks “what’s holding me ?”

His heart beats so fast when his lips have a taste of the mint and the lime, but it’s short because they are at a party and there are people around them, people they know, people from their school, and they don’t want to be seen.

Donghyuck smiles when Jaemin pulls back before crosses his arms over his knees.

“I have an idea.”

“And what is it? You always have great ideas.”

Donghyuck’s tone is teasing, playful with a touch of provocation.

“What if…” Jaemin’s eyes meet the stars again, “What if we escape from here ? Together, just us two.”

“Like, right now ?” he answers with a laugh, and continues when Jaemin nods “And where would we go ?”

“I don’t know, we could take the train and go in town… You said you have friends over there that I would like…”

There is a second of silence, through which one Donghyuck is gaining a smile and then he starts to nods frantically, his hair bouncing on his forehead.

“Yeah”

“Yeah like what ?”

Donghyuck’s empty cup hit the ground as he gets up.

“Let’s go.” he reaches his hand out, towards Jaemin who’s still sitting in the grass. His jeans will probably be green on his butt. “Let’s fucking go.”

Jaemin grabs it. He helps him to get up and says “Let go to our places to pack a bag with a thing or two. I’ll text Ten in the train.”

Without letting his hand go, interlacing their fingers properly and making Jaemin’s heartbeat a mess, he starts to run to his place which is closer than Jaemin’s. 

During the run to their places, Donghyuck never let his hand go, except when he needs it to put clothes in his backpack. Jaemin tests it, doesn’t reach his hand by himself but Donghyuck is still grabbing it, even if he needs to put his hand in the pocket of Jaemin’s hoodie.

That’s it, Jaemin think. There it is, what he wanted to believe. It’s right here and Jaemin can’t stop smiling, wrinkling his cheeks with his long lips and aligned teeth. These same cheeks who are receiving a kiss here and there as they walk to the train station. 

They have to wait twenty minutes before the train arrives at the station, and they sit on the cold tile of the main hall because they feel like lost teenagers so they decide it’s representative to sit cross legged on the floor. These twenty minutes are long, and while Donghyuck texts his friend Ten that they will need a room for an undetermined time, Jaemin thinks about it.

Maybe again, it’s not a good idea. 

It’s stupid to leave like that suddenly without even telling his parents. They have class in twenty six hours, people will probably signal their missing to the police. When they’ll come back, if they come back, what will happen ? They will get scolded and grounded, first of all, but then there are so many things coming to Jaemin’s mind and that’s the moment when he’s doubtful.

Maybe it’s not a good idea at all.

But Donghyuck doesn’t seem to care at all. He’s smiling again, as he types rapidly on his phone, probably explaining to Ten the reason of their visit. 

What’s the reason by the way? Why did Jaemin wanted to leave so suddenly ?

As the doors of the train open, only Donghyuck steps in. He’s stopped by their linked hands preventing him to step further. 

“What ?” 

“Wait Donghyuck, I… I don’t think it’s a good idea, actually.”

“What do you mean ? Ten said he will gladly host us for all the time we want. We have a roof, we’ll have food, Ten is nice and cool, it’ll be easy to find a job in town to contributes in his spendings and maybe we’ll be able to have our own place. Together, just us two.”

Jaemin smiles but it fades quickly, “And why can’t we have this right now, right here ? Why do we need to be in town ? We can make this-”

“I don’t know, Jaemin. It’s…”

It’s silent for a moment, and Donghyuck finally looks back at Jaemin. Jaemin have always read a risk appetite in his eyes, but this time there is something else along it. Jaemin can’t seem to decipher it.

It’s unknown and maybe it scares him.

“Your attention please, the train will close its door in a second, please be careful to not…”

"Jaemin, come inside, hurry up !”

“No, please stay with me, don’t go, please.”

“Why ?”

“I don’t know. I love you, I want it.”

There is a long electronic sound, a signal that informs the doors are about to close and the train to leave soon.

“With you” Jaemin finishes his meaningful sentence, and Donghyuck’s eyes are illegible. 

His face is neutral, he loses every emotion as they arms fall along their own bodies. Jaemin’s heart is beating so fast, he hears it in his ears, his legs are weak. 

The doors close, they look at each other through the glass and a distance is built the next second.

Jaemin knows he is in love. When he looks at this boy through the glass, when the time they’ve spent together are playing like a movie in his mind, when he’s able remember the feeling of his body against his, when his nostrils still smell Donghyuck’s early scent. He knows he is in love, and he knows he can’t deny that.

Donghyuck looks away but Jaemin’s eyes are still on him as they are separated by more and more distance, and Jaemin still couldn’t read the emotions in his eyes. There were so many things, a huge combination and it was tangled, so much that Jaemin couldn’t decipher any element.

Jaemin can’t read his eyes, but he knows it’s not love.

Donghyuck is not in love.

His throat feels heavy, his vision starts to blur — he’s about to cry but he manages to hold his tears back.

_Big boys don’t cry._

**Author's Note:**

> so basically I hope you got everything but in case you didn't : the fic is written like the song, the repetition of "Donghyuck is not in love" is the chorus, I used the "big boys don't cry" part AND it follows the song and the lyrics.
> 
> Twitter : miyaohcuu (soon creating a fic and draw account but not yet dhsjdj)


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